[Recent email correspondence]
Hey,
I fucked up.
Big time.
I've got this recital coming up, the whole violin thing, mortals and Kindred alike coming etcetera etcetera. Big fancy deal, you know the drill.
Mum and father insisted on coming. They haven't seen me in a while and they caught wind via their delightful social circle that I'd be putting on a very prestigious show. Lord. You can imagine my father's reaction, I'm sure. He was furious that I hadn't kept them informed, furious I hadn't secured tickets, adamant that they would be coming and that there was nothing I could do about it.
In the process of my protestations I.. uh... may have let it slip that you aren't quite so dead or disappeared as they thought. Father was, well, less than thrilled that I'm still hanging around with the likes of you, especially since you were presumed dead or worse, which dropped your social standing significantly. He of course wanted a full explanation, wanted to sort it all out. I was less than forthcoming, so...
So.. well, he called your dad.
I'm sorry. I know how hard this will be, how much you've wanted to avoid this.
But you're going to have to help me out here, and we're going to have to come up with a damn good story about where you've been. Your parents are positively frothing at the idea of seeing you, at the thought that you're alive, at the idea that you'll be in their lives again. I can't explain this away on my own.
If I had a televiser machine, I'd be a 6 inch tall projection saying "Help me Obi-Gus-Kenobi, you're my only hope."
Sorry for the levity, you're probably a stupid turmoil of emotion right now... but it won't be so bad, will it?
Anyway, recital's next weekend. See if your Prince will give you leave to come? Tell him it'll help promote inter-city relations or something, they like things like that. You could bring Sam! I could meet her! She could work in to where you've been and why you didn't contact them an everything! Or maybe not... she's had enough shit go down, we don't need to involve her in our messed up family and my fucked up big mouthed mistake.
Okay.
Let me know when your train gets in, I'll come pick you up.
And yes, I am taking it as given that you're coming.
-E
Friday, February 19, 2010
Friday, January 9, 2009
Follow-up
[Half a sheet of torn letterhead, the second half of an apparent draft of a letter found in Augustus' haven]
With regards to my previous letter, the situation has been resolved.
As per your advice and my own personal intuitions, I made several suggestions that even Miss Samantha in her altered state of mind could not ignore.
Suffice to say that the Adam problem has been dealt with and is a problem no longer.
I thank you for your aid, and trust to your continued discretion in this matter,
Sincerely,
Augustus
With regards to my previous letter, the situation has been resolved.
As per your advice and my own personal intuitions, I made several suggestions that even Miss Samantha in her altered state of mind could not ignore.
Suffice to say that the Adam problem has been dealt with and is a problem no longer.
I thank you for your aid, and trust to your continued discretion in this matter,
Sincerely,
Augustus
Monday, December 15, 2008
Concerning Christine
[faxed copy of a correspondence found in Augustus' Haven. Dated recently, from a number in Fisherman's Horizon. The letter is dated approximately three years earlier, stamped with the Ventrue staff.]
Your most regal highness,
We write to inform you that the debacle with our most recent neonate has been regulated. Both she and her illegitimate childe have been found and eliminated as required by the tenets of the Masquerade.
It is always a disappointment when such a promising candidate of good blood and impressive intellectual capabilities is found unable to maintain the Kindred unlife to a satisfactory level, as has proven to be the case with Mlle. Christine Gerant. Her sire has equally been chastised appropriately for his indiscretion in selecting her.
The matter is then closed and need no more concern any mind.
Yours loyally and respectfully,
Simon DeVault
Your most regal highness,
We write to inform you that the debacle with our most recent neonate has been regulated. Both she and her illegitimate childe have been found and eliminated as required by the tenets of the Masquerade.
It is always a disappointment when such a promising candidate of good blood and impressive intellectual capabilities is found unable to maintain the Kindred unlife to a satisfactory level, as has proven to be the case with Mlle. Christine Gerant. Her sire has equally been chastised appropriately for his indiscretion in selecting her.
The matter is then closed and need no more concern any mind.
Yours loyally and respectfully,
Simon DeVault
Saturday, December 13, 2008
re: Just for clarification
[another email correspondence with 'Eve', dated about a week after the first]
Hey again,
Yeah, I guess I never really fully explained Sam and I to you, did I? I think... I think it was too much to explain, it never did make a lot of sense, and there were too many strands behind it.
So, here, I'll attempt to make some sense of it all for you.
What was the nature of my relationship with Sam? Despite my previous statement, it was simple, really. It was one based on mutual benefit, and hanging prepositions. She needed someone to rely on, I needed someone to take care of.
I could see from the outset, from the moment she was cursed with Ellinoria's power, that she would need help. That we would need to keep her normal, keep the madness down. Darjen's death immediately after only drove the point home for me. She had suddenly inherited incomprehensible power with which she could do nothing, and she had stood helplessly by while the man she loved died. I'm not sure any of us were aware of her feelings for him at the time, possibly she wasn't even aware. But since it has become very clear, to me at least, how deeply they ran.
She and I were always friendly before that, being clan-kin. Not only were we compatible in terms of personality, we also had to deal with the same Ventrue politicking bullshit, face the same prejudices, attend the same meetings. She was my introduction to the Jade Rose crew. Funny how the tables turned, I once relied on her support and connections, she has come to rely on mine.
And it only made sense at the time, as I was the closest to her (how quickly we develop bonds in times of trouble), as I was the closest to her, that I should keep an eye on her. Make sure she was holding up.
The first night I discovered that she was staying at Darjen's place is where I trace the roots of our more physical relationship. She was quiet that night, I suspected something was up. Escorted her to her own Haven, got a call from Alora, and hung around her doorstep to take it. As I hung up the cell, her light clicked out upstairs and in a rare moment of silence, I heard the window open. I glanced up in time to see her climb the fire exit to the rooftops.
It didn't take much to follow her, I shadowed her to the high rise, then strange to me, that I would come to know only too well. I let her go in, let her go up, watched the elevator numbers tick off to the top floor. It was one of those fancy old-fashioned things with the ornate metal grate, the numbers that lit up as it hit every floor. There was a fountain in the lobby, immaculately groomed bonsai trees, a classy chandelier, marble floors. Very nice place.
Grabbed the next elevator up, all the way, to the penthouse. She hadn't even bothered locking the door. I found her on his bed. She wasn't crying, she's too strong for that. But she looked lost. She'd known I was following her, maybe she was sick of suffering quietly. She told me she was alone, that this place made her feel like he was there, just in the other room, just on his way in. That apartment is so tragic. Things left strewn about, sketches and paintings half-finished. All poised for his return. He had left that place expecting to be back in the morning. Everything left half-done, almost finished. No wonder she felt like he was there. No wonder it moved me.
I think I aplogised for my inability to fill that gap, to make her feel less alone. Offered to go, probably. She told me not to, probably. All I know is I stayed that day. We did no more than sleep, but I remember thinking that it might help her to feel someone close, feel someone's arms around her. To remind her that she was not in a completely barren world. Maybe I wanted that too. I was probably lonely too. Whatever it was, we took some comfort in the simple existence of another cold body nearby.
Later it became more than that. It was a given, spending that much time together. When you've got eternity, things like that lose importance. She never mentioned his name, but I knew. We both knew it was empty in most respects.
For me it was more a matter of her, what she needed. Supporting her, saving her, giving her what stability I could. That became my mission.
Yes, I got attached, it was inevitable. But it's hard to let go entirely, to become attached when you've got two pasts breathing a cold breath down your neck, keeping history between you. I was ever conscious of my own past, and Darjen's presence was an ever-present weight. We were staying in his Haven, for Hyne's sake, surrounded by his things. It felt sacrilegious. Disrespectful. But again, when you've got eternity...
So, no, I wouldn't call what we had love. It became more than just convenience, for a while there, but it was less, a good deal less, than love. Can we love, dead as we are? I suppose we can. Look at Rielle and Marquis. Look at Ashurah and... whatsisname... Damien? Look at Sam and Darjen. Though I'm not convinced her current love for the dead man isn't some form of neurosis brought on by the power, the betrayal, the sudden death; overwhelming events stacked up.
Looking back, perhaps another body wasn't what she needed. Perhaps constant companionship, constant reminder of what she had not, perhaps that did more harm than good. I was not Darjen and Darjen was what she wanted. Perhaps I should have given her time and space to mourn. Perhaps she just needed more than one or two years. Perhaps pity, sympathy, and support were not what was required of me. I couldn't decide if it was space or love that she needed, and so I gave her neither. I gave her a shell.
I think, though, once I returned from burying my own past, I was ready to let myself love. I could have done what I hadn't yet, could have devoted myself entirely to her. I was ready to let my peace become hers. I don't know if it would have worked, but I was ready to try.
And that might explain my hostility toward Adam, my undercurrent of hurt. It wasn't a true blow, I hadn't lost anything more that physical intimacy and a constant companion, but the possibility was taken away. That was what hurt, the loss of possibility. I was cleansed, after those months away, but the world remained sullied, and I blamed that on him.
Perhaps you think me foolish for continuing to care. Perhaps it is folly to think that her sanity can be restored. In this naive childe she sees a dead man, for Hyne's sake, the face of one she saw die with her own eyes.
But even if it is folly, it is not a place close to her heart I long for. I don't expect that, it is not a lover's jealousy I feel. It is that she had become my quest, my mission, and it is that I have failed her so completely. That I cannot stand.
So what, you ask, was our relationship? She was a goal, an ideal, and our interactions were steps on the path toward it. Our relationship was a series of tasks to be performed, mostly separate from personal cares and desires. Our relationship was a means to achieve salvation.
And it failed.
We are the damned, Eve. It is not our lot to be saved.
Gus
Hey again,
Yeah, I guess I never really fully explained Sam and I to you, did I? I think... I think it was too much to explain, it never did make a lot of sense, and there were too many strands behind it.
So, here, I'll attempt to make some sense of it all for you.
What was the nature of my relationship with Sam? Despite my previous statement, it was simple, really. It was one based on mutual benefit, and hanging prepositions. She needed someone to rely on, I needed someone to take care of.
I could see from the outset, from the moment she was cursed with Ellinoria's power, that she would need help. That we would need to keep her normal, keep the madness down. Darjen's death immediately after only drove the point home for me. She had suddenly inherited incomprehensible power with which she could do nothing, and she had stood helplessly by while the man she loved died. I'm not sure any of us were aware of her feelings for him at the time, possibly she wasn't even aware. But since it has become very clear, to me at least, how deeply they ran.
She and I were always friendly before that, being clan-kin. Not only were we compatible in terms of personality, we also had to deal with the same Ventrue politicking bullshit, face the same prejudices, attend the same meetings. She was my introduction to the Jade Rose crew. Funny how the tables turned, I once relied on her support and connections, she has come to rely on mine.
And it only made sense at the time, as I was the closest to her (how quickly we develop bonds in times of trouble), as I was the closest to her, that I should keep an eye on her. Make sure she was holding up.
The first night I discovered that she was staying at Darjen's place is where I trace the roots of our more physical relationship. She was quiet that night, I suspected something was up. Escorted her to her own Haven, got a call from Alora, and hung around her doorstep to take it. As I hung up the cell, her light clicked out upstairs and in a rare moment of silence, I heard the window open. I glanced up in time to see her climb the fire exit to the rooftops.
It didn't take much to follow her, I shadowed her to the high rise, then strange to me, that I would come to know only too well. I let her go in, let her go up, watched the elevator numbers tick off to the top floor. It was one of those fancy old-fashioned things with the ornate metal grate, the numbers that lit up as it hit every floor. There was a fountain in the lobby, immaculately groomed bonsai trees, a classy chandelier, marble floors. Very nice place.
Grabbed the next elevator up, all the way, to the penthouse. She hadn't even bothered locking the door. I found her on his bed. She wasn't crying, she's too strong for that. But she looked lost. She'd known I was following her, maybe she was sick of suffering quietly. She told me she was alone, that this place made her feel like he was there, just in the other room, just on his way in. That apartment is so tragic. Things left strewn about, sketches and paintings half-finished. All poised for his return. He had left that place expecting to be back in the morning. Everything left half-done, almost finished. No wonder she felt like he was there. No wonder it moved me.
I think I aplogised for my inability to fill that gap, to make her feel less alone. Offered to go, probably. She told me not to, probably. All I know is I stayed that day. We did no more than sleep, but I remember thinking that it might help her to feel someone close, feel someone's arms around her. To remind her that she was not in a completely barren world. Maybe I wanted that too. I was probably lonely too. Whatever it was, we took some comfort in the simple existence of another cold body nearby.
Later it became more than that. It was a given, spending that much time together. When you've got eternity, things like that lose importance. She never mentioned his name, but I knew. We both knew it was empty in most respects.
For me it was more a matter of her, what she needed. Supporting her, saving her, giving her what stability I could. That became my mission.
Yes, I got attached, it was inevitable. But it's hard to let go entirely, to become attached when you've got two pasts breathing a cold breath down your neck, keeping history between you. I was ever conscious of my own past, and Darjen's presence was an ever-present weight. We were staying in his Haven, for Hyne's sake, surrounded by his things. It felt sacrilegious. Disrespectful. But again, when you've got eternity...
So, no, I wouldn't call what we had love. It became more than just convenience, for a while there, but it was less, a good deal less, than love. Can we love, dead as we are? I suppose we can. Look at Rielle and Marquis. Look at Ashurah and... whatsisname... Damien? Look at Sam and Darjen. Though I'm not convinced her current love for the dead man isn't some form of neurosis brought on by the power, the betrayal, the sudden death; overwhelming events stacked up.
Looking back, perhaps another body wasn't what she needed. Perhaps constant companionship, constant reminder of what she had not, perhaps that did more harm than good. I was not Darjen and Darjen was what she wanted. Perhaps I should have given her time and space to mourn. Perhaps she just needed more than one or two years. Perhaps pity, sympathy, and support were not what was required of me. I couldn't decide if it was space or love that she needed, and so I gave her neither. I gave her a shell.
I think, though, once I returned from burying my own past, I was ready to let myself love. I could have done what I hadn't yet, could have devoted myself entirely to her. I was ready to let my peace become hers. I don't know if it would have worked, but I was ready to try.
And that might explain my hostility toward Adam, my undercurrent of hurt. It wasn't a true blow, I hadn't lost anything more that physical intimacy and a constant companion, but the possibility was taken away. That was what hurt, the loss of possibility. I was cleansed, after those months away, but the world remained sullied, and I blamed that on him.
Perhaps you think me foolish for continuing to care. Perhaps it is folly to think that her sanity can be restored. In this naive childe she sees a dead man, for Hyne's sake, the face of one she saw die with her own eyes.
But even if it is folly, it is not a place close to her heart I long for. I don't expect that, it is not a lover's jealousy I feel. It is that she had become my quest, my mission, and it is that I have failed her so completely. That I cannot stand.
So what, you ask, was our relationship? She was a goal, an ideal, and our interactions were steps on the path toward it. Our relationship was a series of tasks to be performed, mostly separate from personal cares and desires. Our relationship was a means to achieve salvation.
And it failed.
We are the damned, Eve. It is not our lot to be saved.
Gus
Friday, December 12, 2008
Back in Esthar, hell of a surprise
[transcription of an email correspondence between Augustus and a contact, "Eve", listed as 'eve23@gmail.fh']
Hey,
Found your letter in my bag on the train. Just getting to answering it now, got delayed a bit and just getting home. It's been a weird night. I told you about Sam, yeah? My sort-of girl? Of course I did. Stupid. Hard to explain what happened to me since leaving home without mentioning her, especially the most recent year when not much happened BUT her.
Anyway, the weird. I didn't expect to patch up things in one town just for the other to fall apart again. Rolled in from FH about two hours ago and tout a basculé.
It was selfish of me. Foolish, really. I took time off to hunt down my demons, ignoring the fact that Samantha still had hers. I thought, maybe, I'd sufficiently helped her maintain stability. Keep the madness at bay. Then I got wind, caught a whiff on the spring air of Christine. My sire, my betrayed love, the formation of my entire view of the opposite sex.
How childish it seems now. How much time seems to have passed, though really it's a matter of weeks. I was a boy, a helpless naïve boy. And what am I now? A monster, but at least I'm less of an idiot.
Much of my idiocy has passed... but at the expense of another. I've faced my past, overcome my hurdles, and sauntered back into town relieved, renewed, rejuvenated, with hope for Vampire-kind again. Of course I see it all through rose-tinted glasses. The whole city, the whole world must feel the same! Couldn't wait to see Sam, to bolster her hopes with my own newfound peace. It was all I could think about for most of the train ride. Man, I've missed her more than I realised, caught up as I was in everything else for the past few months. It was on the way back to her that I figured it out.
And what do I see, turning the key in the lock tonight, slipping into Darjen's place (I still won't call it hers, she's done nothing to make it hers) just before morning, when she's always asleep?
Yes, I see Sam. She's asleep. Looking pristine, perfect, a demon in an angel's body. Sam was never my type, you know how I'd always gone in for the curvy blonds in Daisy Dukes, but there was also never any denial of her allure. There she was, curled up in a bed I'd shared with her, and I smiled to see her looking happy and at peace. Yes, the world was dark, but there was light and hope here too, you know?
I crossed the room, sat softly on the bed, reached out to smooth a strand of hair from her cheek... and heard a soft voice behind me.
How perfectly cinematic, right? The boyfriend leaves on business and comes home to find all as he left it, only to be interrupted by the new lover.
“Who are you?”
I've got to tell you, I froze. My hand stopped halfway to her face, my entire body stiffened. Whoever he is, I thought, he isn't human. They move so heavily. They breathe so loudly. Their hearts beat audibly when they're nervous like he must be.
I turned my head.
I felt a vague familiarity toward him, but only that of a passing resemblance. Couldn't quite pinpoint it.
I told him my name, a simple "Gus." and I stood to face him.
“What are you doing here? Sam locked up when we came in.”
I raised an eyebrow, smirked.
I asked him, pulling my keys out from my pocket to run through my fingers, how much use he thought a lock would be when I could easily bust it down, pick it open, or use the key, this fingering the somewhat ornate brass thing Sam had given me ages ago. Trust you Torries to have even a fancy key for your apartments.
The kid blinked, a confused boy. I could just see it, the teenage thoughts going through his head: Why would my girl give a key to some other guy?
I added, by way of explanation, that Sam and I were old friends, then tagged on that I didn't remember meeting him before.
“Adam.” He nearly spat the name at me but only after a moment's hesitation, as though he had to think on it. An assumed name, I thought at the time. Now I know he's not thinking of himself as Adam much anymore.
I looked him over. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of loose-fitting pants slung low around the hip. Didn't have the look of a fighter about him, but how I know looks can deceive.
“Look,” he began, “I'll let Sam know you stopped by, she'll know where to reach you...?”
I raised both eyebrows at that. He was kicking me out of the place I'd come to accept as my occasional haven? Clearly he was no one-night visitor. I opened my mouth to speak, but Sam stirred.
“Darjen?” She murmured, eyes still closed. My eyes did a second snap-scan of the kid before me. That was the familiarity. There was some resemblance, yes, they could have been brothers, perhaps, but this was not Darjen. That would explain him being there, half-dressed with a half-dressed Sam. She'd naturally be attracted to someone of his description, though I'd thought she'd be wiser than to bring them home. Looks like she's replaced me pretty quickly with a look-alike for her dead boyfriend. Yeah, you'll say I'm being harsh, and I am. But Eve, I gotta admit, it burned me a bit.
He moved around me, taking the seat I had recently vacated, smoothing the lock I had been reaching for.
“Hush, love, I'm here.”
Love? Here? I wish you could have heard this. You'd have been as incredulous as I.
But she smiled, opened her eyes, blinked into his face until her sight was clear, then nuzzled her cheek against his hand.
“Coming to sleep?” She asked, voice bleary, clearly still half-asleep herself.
“Shortly, doll. You've a visitor.”
She recoiled, sat up, drawing the sheet closer about her, confused. I knew that she knew she never had visitors. As far as I know, no one else was aware she was haunting Darjen's Haven.
Her face took on a puzzled expression, she blinked a few more times before recognizing me.
“Gus? What.. what are you doing here?”
I watched her a moment before responding with feigned nonchalance. Couldn't show her whatever minor hurt there was, especially not in front of the dopleganger.
Said something along the lines of: “Some greeting I get, after three months away. A stranger in the kitchen and the third degree from you!”
Her eyebrows knit together, she hugged her arms around her knees, still wrapped in her sheet. “But you left. You weren't coming back.”
My turn to be confused.
“Where'd you get that idea? I said I'd be gone a while.”
Yeah, so I hadn't exactly specified I'd be more than a few days, let alone a few months, but it hadn't seemed important at the time. She'd seemed so stable, it hadn't seemed like we were too thoroughly co-dependent. My fault. I had other things to distract me, and she had nothing. Like I said, it's been a pretty calm year in Esthar, compared to how things went down when I first arrived.
“You were gone...” she said, more to herself than me. It was then that I realised how much it might have hurt her, or at least scared her, when I took off. I guess you were right, I should have called or dropped her a line... But it seemed so distant at the time.
I asked her when she'd picked up the kid, jabbing a thumb in Adam's direction, genuinely interested. I probably actually called him a kid. He was already tense, and I had almost been trying to elicit a response.
“Hey man, maybe you'd better come back later. She needs some sleep, and you look like you could use some too. Daylight's coming.” Dunno if he was threatening me or just stating facts.
“Probably," I responded, maintaining my flippant air, "It's not every day you find the girl you've been living with in bed with some fresh blood still reeking of life.” Okay, yeah, the kid bothered me. It'd been a long trip from Fisherman's Horizon, and my buoyant sense of optimism had been impeded somewhat by his intrusion.
He got firey. “You've no right to judge! You abandoned her when she nee-”
“Darjen, relax.” Sam interrupted, and he fell immediately silent. Obedient boy. “He's got a right to be confused.” Then, addressing me, “Gus, you chill out too. We three've all always been friends, so let's keep being so.”
We three? I had a hard time keeping back an incredulous reply, I've never met this guy before, Sam! But I held my tongue on the matter. Something was wrong here.
I told them I'd head out, back to my haven, and I'd be back at nightfall when rest had made heads clearer. I was tired, and not willing to stay up all day talking sanity into Sam.
And so I left them, came back here, to my sorely under-used Haven. I don't even know when I started staying over there with her. How long has it been since I've actually spent the night here? I'd stopped in for a few minutes to grab my gear before heading out to FH, but it must have been months prior to that that I'd actually occupied this place. Surely not a year, even? Good thing I've got a hefty sum in the bank account and lots of post-dated cheques in the landlord's hand.
The power's out though, obviously haven't paid that bill in a while. Water too, so not even a warm shower to comfort me tonight. Just the cold glow of my laptop and the click of my fingers on the keys. Luckily the neighbours have unsecured wireless, I just hope my battery holds out. I lit some candles that were scattered around, usually I'm not such a mess. I guess I'll have to clean up, dust, make this place livable again. If you're coming for a visit (you still plan on it? I could introduce you to the Prince... though I'd advise getting some of your higher-up contacts to do that, I'm pretty much invisible around here since the Kohnz stuff faded out.) Plus I doubt I'll be spending much time around Darjen's place anymore, even if that kid doesn't stick around. Sam doesn't need me, or doesn't want me there. I'm having a hard time not descending into my old habitual prejudice again. If what I learned in FH didn't so clearly wipe away any basis I had for thinking that way I'd get angry and pouty and childish. I would likely abandon Sam completely.
Could I be so heartless as that? No. I've changed, these past few months. I know you said I'd changed since school, but you wouldn't have known me if you'd found me before I did my soul-searching. I shudder to think what most of our little team must think of me, looking back on the ass I was. But learning that everything you thought you knew about the reasons for your current life (well, unlife) forces you to change certain outlooks. Women, Eve, are not all conniving, manipulative, evil beings, and that opinion was a thin thin veil for my own angst at being betrayed. This I have learned, this has made me less of a dumb kid. I know, you could have told me that, but I was fearing for my very unlife and hurting a whole lot at the time. Sticking around and being rational was not an option when I was being shot at.
Point is, Sam did not do this on purpose. Clearly she needs me more than ever right now. Clearly her mind is hazy, her grasp on reality is slipping. That is not a thing we can afford.
Well at least that's marginally positive: my worldview can still be bright, even if I probably destroyed any progress I might have made in Sam's worldview by fixing my own.
I think I'll call it a day. Thankfully I've got fitted blinds and don't rely on a technological system to shut the windows up every day. Fine thing that would be, dusted because I failed to pay the bills.
Man I'm looking forward to a good oblivious sleep.
Sorry this got so long-winded, I needed to get it off my mind and you're the only impartial bystander I can really share it with. Feel free to call me stupid, give me advice, or ignore this as you see fit.
My love to those at home,
Gus
Hey,
Found your letter in my bag on the train. Just getting to answering it now, got delayed a bit and just getting home. It's been a weird night. I told you about Sam, yeah? My sort-of girl? Of course I did. Stupid. Hard to explain what happened to me since leaving home without mentioning her, especially the most recent year when not much happened BUT her.
Anyway, the weird. I didn't expect to patch up things in one town just for the other to fall apart again. Rolled in from FH about two hours ago and tout a basculé.
It was selfish of me. Foolish, really. I took time off to hunt down my demons, ignoring the fact that Samantha still had hers. I thought, maybe, I'd sufficiently helped her maintain stability. Keep the madness at bay. Then I got wind, caught a whiff on the spring air of Christine. My sire, my betrayed love, the formation of my entire view of the opposite sex.
How childish it seems now. How much time seems to have passed, though really it's a matter of weeks. I was a boy, a helpless naïve boy. And what am I now? A monster, but at least I'm less of an idiot.
Much of my idiocy has passed... but at the expense of another. I've faced my past, overcome my hurdles, and sauntered back into town relieved, renewed, rejuvenated, with hope for Vampire-kind again. Of course I see it all through rose-tinted glasses. The whole city, the whole world must feel the same! Couldn't wait to see Sam, to bolster her hopes with my own newfound peace. It was all I could think about for most of the train ride. Man, I've missed her more than I realised, caught up as I was in everything else for the past few months. It was on the way back to her that I figured it out.
And what do I see, turning the key in the lock tonight, slipping into Darjen's place (I still won't call it hers, she's done nothing to make it hers) just before morning, when she's always asleep?
Yes, I see Sam. She's asleep. Looking pristine, perfect, a demon in an angel's body. Sam was never my type, you know how I'd always gone in for the curvy blonds in Daisy Dukes, but there was also never any denial of her allure. There she was, curled up in a bed I'd shared with her, and I smiled to see her looking happy and at peace. Yes, the world was dark, but there was light and hope here too, you know?
I crossed the room, sat softly on the bed, reached out to smooth a strand of hair from her cheek... and heard a soft voice behind me.
How perfectly cinematic, right? The boyfriend leaves on business and comes home to find all as he left it, only to be interrupted by the new lover.
“Who are you?”
I've got to tell you, I froze. My hand stopped halfway to her face, my entire body stiffened. Whoever he is, I thought, he isn't human. They move so heavily. They breathe so loudly. Their hearts beat audibly when they're nervous like he must be.
I turned my head.
I felt a vague familiarity toward him, but only that of a passing resemblance. Couldn't quite pinpoint it.
I told him my name, a simple "Gus." and I stood to face him.
“What are you doing here? Sam locked up when we came in.”
I raised an eyebrow, smirked.
I asked him, pulling my keys out from my pocket to run through my fingers, how much use he thought a lock would be when I could easily bust it down, pick it open, or use the key, this fingering the somewhat ornate brass thing Sam had given me ages ago. Trust you Torries to have even a fancy key for your apartments.
The kid blinked, a confused boy. I could just see it, the teenage thoughts going through his head: Why would my girl give a key to some other guy?
I added, by way of explanation, that Sam and I were old friends, then tagged on that I didn't remember meeting him before.
“Adam.” He nearly spat the name at me but only after a moment's hesitation, as though he had to think on it. An assumed name, I thought at the time. Now I know he's not thinking of himself as Adam much anymore.
I looked him over. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of loose-fitting pants slung low around the hip. Didn't have the look of a fighter about him, but how I know looks can deceive.
“Look,” he began, “I'll let Sam know you stopped by, she'll know where to reach you...?”
I raised both eyebrows at that. He was kicking me out of the place I'd come to accept as my occasional haven? Clearly he was no one-night visitor. I opened my mouth to speak, but Sam stirred.
“Darjen?” She murmured, eyes still closed. My eyes did a second snap-scan of the kid before me. That was the familiarity. There was some resemblance, yes, they could have been brothers, perhaps, but this was not Darjen. That would explain him being there, half-dressed with a half-dressed Sam. She'd naturally be attracted to someone of his description, though I'd thought she'd be wiser than to bring them home. Looks like she's replaced me pretty quickly with a look-alike for her dead boyfriend. Yeah, you'll say I'm being harsh, and I am. But Eve, I gotta admit, it burned me a bit.
He moved around me, taking the seat I had recently vacated, smoothing the lock I had been reaching for.
“Hush, love, I'm here.”
Love? Here? I wish you could have heard this. You'd have been as incredulous as I.
But she smiled, opened her eyes, blinked into his face until her sight was clear, then nuzzled her cheek against his hand.
“Coming to sleep?” She asked, voice bleary, clearly still half-asleep herself.
“Shortly, doll. You've a visitor.”
She recoiled, sat up, drawing the sheet closer about her, confused. I knew that she knew she never had visitors. As far as I know, no one else was aware she was haunting Darjen's Haven.
Her face took on a puzzled expression, she blinked a few more times before recognizing me.
“Gus? What.. what are you doing here?”
I watched her a moment before responding with feigned nonchalance. Couldn't show her whatever minor hurt there was, especially not in front of the dopleganger.
Said something along the lines of: “Some greeting I get, after three months away. A stranger in the kitchen and the third degree from you!”
Her eyebrows knit together, she hugged her arms around her knees, still wrapped in her sheet. “But you left. You weren't coming back.”
My turn to be confused.
“Where'd you get that idea? I said I'd be gone a while.”
Yeah, so I hadn't exactly specified I'd be more than a few days, let alone a few months, but it hadn't seemed important at the time. She'd seemed so stable, it hadn't seemed like we were too thoroughly co-dependent. My fault. I had other things to distract me, and she had nothing. Like I said, it's been a pretty calm year in Esthar, compared to how things went down when I first arrived.
“You were gone...” she said, more to herself than me. It was then that I realised how much it might have hurt her, or at least scared her, when I took off. I guess you were right, I should have called or dropped her a line... But it seemed so distant at the time.
I asked her when she'd picked up the kid, jabbing a thumb in Adam's direction, genuinely interested. I probably actually called him a kid. He was already tense, and I had almost been trying to elicit a response.
“Hey man, maybe you'd better come back later. She needs some sleep, and you look like you could use some too. Daylight's coming.” Dunno if he was threatening me or just stating facts.
“Probably," I responded, maintaining my flippant air, "It's not every day you find the girl you've been living with in bed with some fresh blood still reeking of life.” Okay, yeah, the kid bothered me. It'd been a long trip from Fisherman's Horizon, and my buoyant sense of optimism had been impeded somewhat by his intrusion.
He got firey. “You've no right to judge! You abandoned her when she nee-”
“Darjen, relax.” Sam interrupted, and he fell immediately silent. Obedient boy. “He's got a right to be confused.” Then, addressing me, “Gus, you chill out too. We three've all always been friends, so let's keep being so.”
We three? I had a hard time keeping back an incredulous reply, I've never met this guy before, Sam! But I held my tongue on the matter. Something was wrong here.
I told them I'd head out, back to my haven, and I'd be back at nightfall when rest had made heads clearer. I was tired, and not willing to stay up all day talking sanity into Sam.
And so I left them, came back here, to my sorely under-used Haven. I don't even know when I started staying over there with her. How long has it been since I've actually spent the night here? I'd stopped in for a few minutes to grab my gear before heading out to FH, but it must have been months prior to that that I'd actually occupied this place. Surely not a year, even? Good thing I've got a hefty sum in the bank account and lots of post-dated cheques in the landlord's hand.
The power's out though, obviously haven't paid that bill in a while. Water too, so not even a warm shower to comfort me tonight. Just the cold glow of my laptop and the click of my fingers on the keys. Luckily the neighbours have unsecured wireless, I just hope my battery holds out. I lit some candles that were scattered around, usually I'm not such a mess. I guess I'll have to clean up, dust, make this place livable again. If you're coming for a visit (you still plan on it? I could introduce you to the Prince... though I'd advise getting some of your higher-up contacts to do that, I'm pretty much invisible around here since the Kohnz stuff faded out.) Plus I doubt I'll be spending much time around Darjen's place anymore, even if that kid doesn't stick around. Sam doesn't need me, or doesn't want me there. I'm having a hard time not descending into my old habitual prejudice again. If what I learned in FH didn't so clearly wipe away any basis I had for thinking that way I'd get angry and pouty and childish. I would likely abandon Sam completely.
Could I be so heartless as that? No. I've changed, these past few months. I know you said I'd changed since school, but you wouldn't have known me if you'd found me before I did my soul-searching. I shudder to think what most of our little team must think of me, looking back on the ass I was. But learning that everything you thought you knew about the reasons for your current life (well, unlife) forces you to change certain outlooks. Women, Eve, are not all conniving, manipulative, evil beings, and that opinion was a thin thin veil for my own angst at being betrayed. This I have learned, this has made me less of a dumb kid. I know, you could have told me that, but I was fearing for my very unlife and hurting a whole lot at the time. Sticking around and being rational was not an option when I was being shot at.
Point is, Sam did not do this on purpose. Clearly she needs me more than ever right now. Clearly her mind is hazy, her grasp on reality is slipping. That is not a thing we can afford.
Well at least that's marginally positive: my worldview can still be bright, even if I probably destroyed any progress I might have made in Sam's worldview by fixing my own.
I think I'll call it a day. Thankfully I've got fitted blinds and don't rely on a technological system to shut the windows up every day. Fine thing that would be, dusted because I failed to pay the bills.
Man I'm looking forward to a good oblivious sleep.
Sorry this got so long-winded, I needed to get it off my mind and you're the only impartial bystander I can really share it with. Feel free to call me stupid, give me advice, or ignore this as you see fit.
My love to those at home,
Gus
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